The Eggemeyer Incident

Life takes some funny twists and turns. One minute I’m standing at my mailbox looking down at a white envelope from somebody called “Peerless” that’s telling me “You May Have Already Won” in big red letters, and the next I’m in Jail for aggravated assault. I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not as bad as it sounds. All a big misunderstanding, really. I definitely was aggravated though.

How else are you supposed to feel when somebody’s yanking your chain? Name’s Ernest, by the way, Ernest Eggemeyer. Yeah. I know…I got it all in school. There was the mailman and I standing by the box.

I said, “Look here, why don’t you get rid of this for me, I don’t want it.”

He says he can’t take it on account of he would get in trouble and lose his job.

So I say, “There’s a can just down the street a ways, you can slip it in there and no-one’ll ever know.”

Well then he gets all uppity and starts talking to me like I’m making trouble for him! Well, I guess I’d just had enough of clean cuts trying to tell me how the world works, and I threw the thing at him. That’s all. Just a piece of paper. And he’s six foot two something and beefy like, and me just five-eleven and thin as a rake. Anyways, the thing flipped once in midair and caught him right on the bottom lip. Cut it clean as a whistle, and he starts cussing and carrying on, saying how he’s going to sue me broke.

Well, all I could do was laugh, because…well, I’m already broke. So he calls the police on his teeny little phone he has and when they show up they can’t stop laughing. Tears in their eyes as they put the cuffs on, just part of the procedure, they said.

I could tell they didn’t want to take me in, but the mailman was making out like I did it on purpose, and saying he was pressing the charges, so they had to. So here I sit waiting for the arraignment and all I can think of is how that big fella stood there bawling like I sucker-punched him and me without a scrape. I could watch it over a million times in my head, and it’ll still make me smile.

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